My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
