did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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