my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
