You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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