I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
