i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
