JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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