Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
