i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
