please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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