Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Im part way to drunk.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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