worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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