Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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