I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize