fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
