It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
