My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
