with your own penis?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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