why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
