sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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