im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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