just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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