My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
