Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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