How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
