sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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