I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
That accounts for only three of the penises
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
