I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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