Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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