i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
