Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
