Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
