my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
it's great music for shaving your balls
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
