im about as happy as oj after his trial
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
