We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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