My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize