He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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