i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
