I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
