ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
