she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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