no, he came in my armpit
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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