Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
