it was like eating out sand paper
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
