I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
