I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
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he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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