So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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