im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
