after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
