i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
