Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
