Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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