Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
