This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
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She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
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I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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