You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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