upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
