yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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