i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I wish life had little blips of pornography
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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